Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
