My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
