You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
