just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
