woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
