I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
