don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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