I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
