im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
