please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
