Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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