I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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