Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
