so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
