Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
