just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
