Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
