Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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