It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
