i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
