Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
