cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It's like God shit irony all over that family
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
