Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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