Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
