Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
