I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
