I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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