my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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