dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
