My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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