did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
