I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
