This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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