All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
