Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
