im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Randomize
