I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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