Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
