He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
