The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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