just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
