I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
