life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
