this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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