hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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