ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
