you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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