She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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