you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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