come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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